Jihad Johnson

The other night South Park aired the second half of their 200th episode. It was déjà vu all over again. For the second time in the show's history, they had ended a cliffhanger leaving you to wonder if they would show an image of the Muslim Prophet, Muhammad. And once again, in the conclusion they did not do so. Not only were the images censored, but all verbal references were bleeped out as well.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming them. On some Muslim website, someone posted a threat that if they went through with their plan then the shows creators, Matt Parker and Trey Stone might suffer the same fate of Theo Van Gogh. Van Gogh, was the dutch cartoonist, who was killed for his portrayal of Muhammad. If a muslim extremist read this post and threatened my life if I didn't take it down, it would be deleted quicker than you could say, jihad. 

The outrageous thing is that it wasn't even if they were showing Muhammad in a negative light. In the same episode Jesus is depicted watching internet porn while Buddha is snorting lines of cocaine. As far as I know, Parker and Stone have yet to receive any death threats from Christian or Buddhist fundamentalists. Could you imagine Pat Robertson or... I don't know... Richard Gere beheading somebody on a webcam in the name of their respective religions? But, as the show itself explained in it's own plot, Muhammad has the power to not be "ripped on." This power comes from the thousands of freaks all over the world who are so eager to torture and kill people in his name.

Anyway, I don't want to get into a holy war here. I was just bored and this was on my mind. If there is anyone reading this who would like to see an image of Muhammad though, just click here.

Chris' Letter To Scott Pioli, GM of the Kansas City Chiefs

Dear Mr. Pioli,

How are you? I am fine. How about that volcano in Iceland? Man, I'm glad we don't have any volcanic ash clouds in this part of the world. How about you? Have you seen Kick Ass Yet? I saw it last night. It rocks! Are you excited about the draft tonight? I know I am. 

In fact that's kind of why I am writing you this letter. The Chiefs are at a critical point in their history. They are on the verge of slipping into a state of never ending suckitude, on par with the Detroit Lions. Don't get me wrong, they showed a little promise last year. They didn't, however, convince anyone that things are going to get a lot better any time real soon.

This makes tonight's draft crucial to our future. For the past three years, we have taken players out of LSUin the first round. While Dwayne Bowe has had a few moments, he's yet to convince anyone that he was worthy of a first round pick. Last year's suspension for the use of performance enhancing drugs ain't helping his cause. Then we have the two defensive linemen - Foley and Jackson. No one's pointing any fingers about the Foley pick. He was considered to be perhaps the best overall player in that draft. Who knew that he was going to turn out to be a turd in shoulder pads? As far as Jackson goes (the first draft pick in your regime I might add), I'm still scratching my head on that one. He wasn't on anyone's draft board that high. Is he you're illegitimate son or something? You just wanted to do right by him after all these years. A GM of a pro football team doesn't get too many passes. You used one of yours up on that one, bud. Hope it was worth it.

Now there aren't any players out of LSU rated near high enough to use the fifth overall pick on. Stay the hell out of Baton Rouge!

If fate should smile upon you tonight and Ndamukong Suh falls to number five, take him. For the love of God, take him. Pay him whatever he wants and build the defense around him. It might be your only chance to replace Jarred Allen.

Anyway, I'll let you get back to preparing for the draft. I hope I've made my point and I hope I didn't offend you. I still have the hope that you can do a good job.

Sincerely,

Christopher N. Johnson

PS: I've heard that the Steelers are shopping around Ben Roethlisberger for a top ten pick. Don't do it! I know it's tempting to give up a pick for an established franchise quarterback, still in his prime. But we don't need that deviant. My friend Andy lives in the KC area. You might have read his comments on my blog. Anyway, I don't want Big Ben to... you know... rape him.

Oh Colonel, What Have You Done?

First of all, let me begin by thanking my friend, Andy, for suggesting the topic of this post. If there is ever a Hall of Fame for contributers to this blog, Andy will be in the inaugural induction class. 

Now then, what you see in the photo is one of the world's newest reasons to hate America - KFC's Double Down Sandwich.

This culinary monstrosity consists of two full sized chicken breast fillets with bacon and cheese stuck between them. There's no bun (You know how bad those carbs are), it's just meat and cheese. Don't worry though, if you are on a diet, you can get the chicken breasts grilled.

How is this even legal to sell? You're telling me that in this country, marijuana is illegal but any kid with $3.99 can go into KFC and buy one of these things? Of course, if marijuana was legal, sales of this beast would probably triple.

I think if you look at the fine print on advertising for The Double Down, you will see something rather disturbing. That is, that after eating this sandwich, Kevin Spacey's character from the movie Se7en, will come to your home and murder you for gluttony.

At Last

I can't believe it took me so long to get around to saying, WELCOME BACK RED ZONE!!!! Our favorite gathering place has finally reopened.

Heather and Angie, it was awesome seeing you guys on the cover of the paper today. It was also awesome seeing the Red Zone mentioned in the paper somewhere other than the police notes. 

Congratulations ladies!

March Sadness

The 2009-2010 College Basketball season is now over. The part that matters is over anyway (The women's title game will be played tonight). I have to say that I am truly disappointed... no, check that... utterly disgusted with how things played out.

I will concede that Duke and Butler gave us one of the best title games in recent memory. That, however, is just a silver lining to one giant ass gray cloud. 

First of all, there is my beloved Jayhawks. The fact that they got bounced from the tournament in the second round by that collection of goofy looking bastards from Northern Iowa still makes me want to curl up in the fetal position, sucking on a bottle of cheap whiskey, until the hurtin' goes away. I mean seriously, did you see those guys? Some of their parents had to be brother and sister, or at least cousins (See the photo from their media guide). And as for Ali Farokhamesh, the little twerp who hit the three pointer to clinch game, I hope he gets malaria. Relax, this isn't 19th century India; malaria is curable.

Second, there are the brackets. Not that I participated in any illegal gambling via an office pool or anything like that; but if I would have, my bracket would've been completely annihilated by the sweet sixteen. This is the first year, that I failed to correctly predict one single final four team. At least I have plenty of company here in bracket hell - everyone got hosed.

Finally, we arrive at the de facto national champion, Duke. Let's face it, they are not the best team in the country, and Butler isn't the second best team, but someone had to make it to the title game and actually win. It's not that I mean the Blue Devils any disrespect. They did everything that they were supposed to do. It's just that, well, I hate them. I hate the Duke Blue Devils oh so very, very much. I hate the "Cameron Crazies", I hate that Coach K's boys seem to get every questionable call or he throws a hissy fit, and I hate the media's bias towards them. I think Dick Vitale would do anything that Mike Kryzewski asked him to, and I mean anything. And yes, I hate the fact that Duke has beat KU in two Final Fours during my lifetime.

So I got all that off my chest, and I have to say I feel a little bit better. And hey, there's always next year. That is unless, this abomination of a tournament was a sign of The Apocalypse. I better go read The Book of Revealtion just to make sure.

Re-Elect No One

I wouldn't normally endorse anyone living there life by the wisdom of bumper stickers. Even the most clever of them usually have a hole or two in their logic. For example, if you don't like someone's driving, calling 1 -800 - EATS#*! will only lead you to disappointment. Trust me, I've tried. 

The ones in particular, that should never be taken seriously are political bumper stickers. I'm not voting for anyone because the jackass driving in front of me thinks that I should. Nor do I care, about any of his political beliefs. I have to say though, that I've recently seen one that promoted an idea that is really growing on me. If you haven't guessed from the title of this post, that idea is:

Re-Elect No One

In the past, when I've broached the subject of politics on this blog, I've been careful not to promote my own agenda. I've really only voiced my disgust with politicians in general. I guess this is just more of the same. The fact is, a lot of us seem to think that Washington has become broken beyond the point of repair. If that's the case, there's only one thing to do - Flush it away.

I'm not sure if the bumper sticker was telling us to get rid of everyone from The President all the way down to our local school boards and city commissions. For now, I'm stopping at Washington. Don't get too comfortable though, Topeka. I've got my eye on you.

Now the last time I discussed politics, someone was quick to point out how backwards my thinking was. And I really hope that someone out there will look at this and tell my why it's a bad idea. Because, frankly, I've haven't really thought it out too far.