Mischief, Tom Foolery, and Shenanigans

The big news in Ark City, USA today is the streaker who ran across the field at last night's football game against Winfield. For the most part, people (myself included) just think that it's funny. A few are completely indifferent. But, as to be expected, there are some who are absolutely outraged. It happened during Senior night, while this year's class was being honored. Apparently, one the girls being recognized was actually in tears. I have to admit, that just makes it more amusing to me. Sorry your special moment got ruined, sweetie, but get over yourself. 

Early word is that the kid is just going to be charged with disorderly conduct. I'm sure mom and dad will have some additional sentencing. Frankly, that's all the kid should get. I know that there are some overly conservative and uptight bible beaters, soccer moms, and such who will want to see the kid get the book thrown at him. There might even be some "justice" seekers who want the kid to be charged as a sex offender. Again, get over yourself. If the worse that happens to you in a day is that you saw some teenage kid's junk, was it that bad of a day?

To tell the truth, I'm relieved to that reckless behavior still has a home here in Ark City. This week is Halloween, but you would hardly know it. This city has sucked the spirit right out of what should be one of the best times of the year. I have had several conversations this week with people who agree that our kids today are really missing out. We moved trick or treat night to the 26th this year. I barely saw any kids out after dark. It seems like people just go to the controlled environment that the city puts on at the recreation center and then it's home in time for dinner. Furthermore, I didn't see one house decorated with eggs and toilet paper.

I'm not trying to encourage any criminal behavior. I just want to see more "kids being kids." They can be safe and responsible when they are adults. So the streaker, I say thank you, young man. You have injected a little chaos into a town that was very much in need of it.

Bring The Noise

It was discovered awhile back that interrogators at Guantanamo Bay were using loud music to try and crack terror suspects. They used everything from Metallica to The Sesame Street theme song to get the prisoners to talk. Of course the usual debates about everything involving Gitmo ensued. That's not what I want to talk about though.

Naturally, many prominent musicians are in an uproar. Many have started a coalition which joined with the larger National Campaign to Close Guantanamoto. Honestly, I have to assume that the anger of some of the rock stars is grounded in humanitarianism as much as it is vanity. Who wants to be told that there art was used to torture people. That's not what I want to talk about either.

To tell the truth, the whole thing just got me thinking about what kind of music the enemy would have to play to get me to crack. Anything by Kenny Chesney comes to mind.  Lady GaGa's Poker Face. The Friends theme song. I'm curious which songs or artists everyone else finds torturous. Let me know.

And When The Jello Settles...

Just a quick follow up on "Always Room For Jello". This past Saturday was the big event. I think we can safely say that a good time was had by all. The Red Zone and all of those in attendance were grateful to the young ladies who fought so valiantly. In a way, they were all winners. In another, more accurate way, a young woman named Ashley was the winner. Congratulations, Ashley. I'm sure someday you'll be proudly be recounting the story to your grandkids about how you went through all challengers like a buzz-saw to capture that trophy.

To tell the truth, everyone in attendance was a winner that night. RZ never fails to deliver a good time on their special events and parties. The highlight of the night might have actually been when Jim Schmidt, the owner, threw his son Jimbo into the Jello and proceeded to show him and everyone else who the man of the family is. Better luck next time, Jimbo.

Feel the Hate

In the brief time I've been doing this blog, I've had a lot of fun. We've had some good discussions going on issues that are both relevant and irrelevant. A lot of people have given awesome feedback to my comments as well as the comments of others. Many have had some hilarious points to make regarding the subject matter (Read what my friend Brian G. wrote on my post about the Louisiana judge) I really do appreciate hearing from people who thought that I was making a good point or at least a humorous one. It's good to know I'm not alone.

I have to be honest, what I really love is when people get pissed off at what I say. Maybe I'm a natural instigator, maybe I'm just not quite right in the head, the bottom line is I thrive on negative attention. 

People commenting on my blog have called me morally bankrupt, socialist, ignorant, indoctrinated in the agenda of the liberal media, and a jackass. My personal favorite came yesterday, when someone told me, DIAF (die in a fire). This person, who was angry about my general disapproval of modern politicians, thinks that I should burn to death because we have different political ideas. I love it!!!! Anonymous hatred does for me what spinach does for Popeye.

So, I'll keep doing what I do and you all keep commenting regardless of what you think about my point of view. We'll have some fun and some laughs. As long as your comment is not vulgar or slanderous I will publish it. I would like to occasionally see someone who feels so strong about something that they want to attack me or anyone else mentioned on or affiliated with the blog, use their name and not post anonymously. This is however, the internet, which we all know was created for people to show how retarded they are without showing who they are.

I'm Glad I'm Not From The South

I just saw an article on Yahoo! from AP about a judge in Louisiana who refused to grant a marriage license to an interracial couple. His reason was that he did it to protect any children that the couple might have. Here's a quote from the crazy old southern gentleman:

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."

Piles of them? He allows them to use his bathroom? Is it the same one that he and his white guests get to use? 

Here's a link for the whole story.

The Passing of a Legend

Today, I am truly grief stricken. The world of professional wrestling...no, the hell with that, THE WORLD  lost a great man yesterday. I'm speaking of wrestling legend "Captain" Lou Albano. Although, an accomplished grappler in his own right, he is perhaps best remembered as a manager for greats such as Andre The Giant. He also showed us all that rubber bands can be used to make a fashion statement. We'll miss you Captain. God Bless.

Give Em' Hell, Harry!

For the most part, I despise politicians. Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Communist, Black Panther, whatever. None of these thieves and liars have our best interest at heart. Of course, I am talking about them collectively and not on an individual basis. I know there are a few diamonds in the rough, who have yet to sell their souls to the devil (special interests) and perhaps never will.

I know many people who feel the same as I do. Recently I have had a similar conversation with several people from all over the political spectrum and there is one thing that we have been able to agree upon: The world is ready now, more than ever for another Harry Truman. My grandma recently e-mailed me some facts about him that I thought I would share. They really illustrate the kind of man he was and why we will probably never have another like him.

Harry Truman was a different kind of President.  He probably made  as many important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the other 42 Presidents. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri . His wife had inherited the house from her mother and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952, his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an "allowance" and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There were no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale.  

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!

I say dig him up and clone him!!

The sad thing is that neither of the two main political parties would likely even allow someone like Truman to advance to the point of being a presidential candidate. Today, you have to know how to "play ball", shake the right hands and kiss the right butts. It's pathetic really. It should make us all sick or depressed, or perhaps most importantly, angry. 

Always Room For Jello

For anyone interested, The Red Zone (here in Arkansas City, USA) will be having Jello wrestling on Oct. 17th. Any women interested in participating, should contact them for details, or just show up with your game face on. RZ employee, Michelle, has told me that she will soon be putting in the order for "Industrial Strength Jello." No word as to whether or not Industrial Strength Pudding is also available.

Terrifying Vision of The Future

Every week I spend time with an elementary school student during his lunch and recess. No, it is not court ordered community service; I actually volunteer. It's pretty much the same routine each week. We eat and then go outside to play games with his pals. And each week it's pretty much the same result, I get driven insane watching the little maniacs make a complete mockery out of the games I used to love playing as a kid. Most importantly, kickball and football. They embarrass themselves on the soccer field too, but who cares? They ought to be ashamed of themselves for even wanting to play that joke of a sport. 

Let me illustrate what one of these debacles is actually like. They split into teams that are usually lopsided, get marginally organized for a play and then it breaks down into total chaos. For the next fifteen minutes they are just running around in random directions, throwing the ball, or sometimes balls, all over the place, and occasionally taking breaks to argue or have a quick wrestling match. My old gym teachers would cry like the indian in that famous public service announcement about littering if they had watch.

To anyone who says that I am overreacting and that it's just kids being kids, I say, I don't think so, bud. Wake up and smell the chocolate milk! Sports is a microcosm of life. If our kids can't even get focused long enough for a game of kickball, then we ain't ever going to cure cancer or go to Mars. My generation may have it's problems, but we played two-hand touch football with the respect the game deserves. 

The World Is Right...For Now.

I haven't had anything to rant about this week and I have been wondering why. It's not that this week has been without it's share of injustices and absurdities. It's just that everything has failed to get me fired up. This morning it occurred to me why that is. This week has seen the return of two of my favorite things: The show House and The Ark City Pool League.

I know I'm not the only one who was psyched about Dr. House returning this week. That show is a guilty pleasure for a lot of us. Deep down inside, we would all love to be that rude to people for just a day. Admit it, you all know you've had a day where you would have loved to treat everyone you encountered with as much contempt as our favorite  pill popping MD often does. 

As far as pool league goes, probably there are fewer of you who can relate. That just gives me some time every Tuesday night to hang out and shoot pool with some other equally juvenile individuals. I recommend that everyone find themselves their own equivalent to pool league. You've never looked so forward to a Tuesday night.

I Pity The Fool Who Snubs Mr. T

I recently heard that UFC star, Quentin "Rampage" Jackson, will be playing the part of B.A. Baracus in the new A-Team movie. I have no idea how Rampage will do. No one does; he's never acted. But what what's wrong with bringing back the man who made the role famous? That's right, I'm saying we need Mr. T. He still looks the same and I'm sure his schedule would allow it. Actually, there's a chance they might have tried to reach him but his phone was shut off. All the more reason, to give him some work. I'm sure at this point he's had to sell most of his gold chains. This might have been  just the boost he needed to make a comeback or at least get his cereal back on the supermarket shelves.

On a side note, thumbs up for casting Liam Neeson as Hannibal. He was the man in Taken. 

Nobody Ever Wins A Fight

With yesterday's news that Patrick Swayze died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 57, I felt compelled to get on here and talk about one of the coolest movies of the 1980s, if not all time. That movie movie of course is Dirty Dancing. Just kidding! Although, to this day, nobody puts Baby in a corner. The movie I'm talking about is Roadhouse.

Roadhouse gave us so much. It taught us all to appreciate the bouncers at our favorite watering holes, it showed us that you can actually (with the proper training) rip a man's larynx right out of his throat. But most importantly, it gave us the wisdom of Daulton (Swayze's character). Who could forget those classic lines? In case anyone has, I have listed some of the best.

• You're too stupid to have a good time 
  
• Nobody ever wins a fight
• Pain don't hurt
• Be nice, until it's time to not be nice
• It'll get worse before it gets better
  
• It's my way, or the highway
  

The last two were hardly original, but nobody ever said either line better than Daulton. I'm probably leaving some out, so feel free to let me know.

So long Patrick. Thanks for everything you gave us.

America's Family

I should not know who Jon and Kate Gosselin are, yet tragically, I do. Right now they are probably more recognizable than the Vice President of this country. 

At first, they began to gradually creep in to my life. Everytime, I would be going through the channel guide on my TV, it seemed that TLC would be airing back to back to back to back episodes of their reality show. I never was curious enough to check it out. After all, most people could probably guess what the show was about from the title - two idiots who thought it would be cool to have eight kids and were subsequently rewarded a TV show so the rest of could see how crazy their lives were and vicariously  experience  their ups and downs. Not my cup of tea. I would rather watch professional wrestling. 

Eventually, I started hearing people talk about them at work. My former boss' kid loved the show. She referred to it simply as "Babies". I have to admit, I thought that was cute. That was all well and good. I would hear random comments and discussions, and from time to time I would even chime in with my two cents on the idea of having eight kids (In a nutshell, I'm against it). But things would eventually get way out of hand.

As most of us now know, the marriage hit a rough patch. There were allegations of cheating and cruelty and drug trafficking. Ok, I made that last one up, but you get the point. Nearly every possible "news" source was reporting on these two clowns. If you went to the grocery store during that period there would be half a dozen magazines with them on the cover. I had never been so sick of two people I had never met.

What really makes me sick, is the thought of what kind of damage these morons must be doing to their kids. I couldn't imagine growing up on TV and having my entire family's dirty laundry displayed for the world to see. It will be a miracle if these kids turn out as healthy, functioning members of society. I have a terrible feeling that some of these kids might wind up making  Lindsay Lohan and Brittney Spears look normal.

The reason I'm on here ranting now is because, they just won't go away. Everyday, I get on a site like Yahoo! to see what all is going on and everyday there is a new headline. Today's had something to do with Kate receiving an offer to pose in Playboy. Yeah, that will be good for that family. Mommy posing naked ought to help the Gosselins get back to a "regular" life. I'm ready for the next worthless phenomenon to come along and capture the hearts of America. NO MORE JON & KATE!!!!!

RIP

So "The King of Pop" Michael Jackson was finally laid to rest yesterday evening. What the hell? Hasn't he already been dead for like a year? What took so long? After all of these years did Billie Jean finally get around to asking for a DNA test. If so, was the kid his son? I don't mean to make light of tragedy, but the man died two months ago. When I go, I hope my loved ones don't sit around two months waiting to put me in the ground, unless they have some realistic expectation that I'll be coming back.

1st Down And About A Mile To Go

Last week someone suggested that I say something about the The Kansas City Chiefs when I was struggling to think of something to get on here and vent about. I rejected the idea because I had resolved to embrace the new Chiefs regime with optimism. My biggest complaint the past several years with the team I have followed faithfully was their former General Manager, Carl Peterson. Peterson's five year plan to reach the Super Bowl fizzled out years ago with the ghost of Joe Montana, standing on a Miami sideline shortly after being knocked out of a wild card playoff game, wearing a dazed and forlorn look on his face that told the world that his career was over.

There have been a few small peaks cresting out of the deep, dark valleys over the years. Derrick Thomas, Priest Holmes, Trent Green, Tony Gonzalez, the Dick Vermeil era, what the hell even Marty Schottenheimer. For the most part though, it has been pretty dismal. I know Schottenheimer had them in the playoffs most of the time and Vermeil put together a pretty exciting offense, but there was just never any real probability that we had a horse that was going to finish the race.

Finally, mine and a lot of other Chiefs fans prayers were answered, when The Hunt Family finally pulled the plug on Peterson and told him to hit the bricks. GOOD FREAKING RIDENSE! Usher in a feeling of excitement when The Chiefs won the Scott Pioli sweepstakes and plucked him from the front office of the New England Patriots (perhaps the best run organization in all of professional sports). Then more chips fell in to place. Todd Haley was signed to be the head coach after leading the offense of the NFC champion, Arizona Cardinals to the Super Bowl; and the icing on the cake the acquisition of rising star quarterback, Matt Cassell. We had something to get excited about.

Despite my efforts to cling to my optimism, my hope is starting to fade. One of the most popular, if not the best player in Chiefs history, Tony Gonzalez was traded to the Atlanta Falcons. It's not like he was washed up either. Last year he was still in the top two or three Tight Ends in the league. Then you have locker room cancer, Larry Johnson. I think after retires he will be sitting in the stands of Arrowhead Stadium still talking about how much he wants out of Kansas City.

In the past couple of days, things have gotten worse, Cassell went down in Saturday's preseason game with a sprained MCL. He's gone two to four weeks and probably for the season opener against Baltimore. Then today, Todd Haley announced that offensive coordinator Chan Gailey has been relieved of his duties. We aren't even to the regular season yet and we're overhauling the staff. I'm not even sure if Gailey has been fired. It would make sense, he goes through coaching jobs pretty frequently. He might want to give Canada a shot next. Maybe he could bring his own brand of mediocrity to the Argonauts or the Rough Riders.

If there is anyone out there who can offer me something to still be excited about with this team, please let me know.

Dumbfounded

Unless you've lived under a rock for the past few months, you've inevitably heard all of the talk about healthcare reform and have probably developed some strong opinions about it. I am not going to share mine on this blog; that's not why I do this. Frankly people who try cramming their political and social views down the throats of others make me want to puke. 

I do, however, have to share something that would have to make anyone raise their eyebrow to the idea of politicians and bureaucrats running our healthcare system. I read on Yahoo! that 3900 prison inmates were accidentally sent economic stimulus checks. Furthermore, 2200 of the inmates actually got to keep the checks. I have to wonder sometimes if all of the various aides and staff members on capitol hill are there to help these people tie their shoes and wipe the drool off of their chins. Again, dumbfounded!

The Hairless Variety

Last night I got rid of the beard I had been wearing for the past couple of months. It was time. I was very quickly starting to look like someone that you wouldn't want to see on the airplane you were traveling on. Not to mention after lunch at Taco Bell yesterday, I had to spend some time removing nacho cheese and volcano sauce (whatever the hell that is) from my mustache. Maybe it's time for me to learn how to eat like a big boy and not slop everything all over my face.

Here's the problem I am now facing: I think the beard might have been the source of my inspirational anger. I couldn't think of anything good to get on here and rant about. So I am, in effect, ranting about not having anything to rant about. So I am asking that if any of the ten or so people who read this blog can think of anything good that might get me ticked off, please comment about it. Throw some fuel on the fire. Just know that I'm not interested in commenting on the Ark City Commissioners or the Arkalalah Beer Garden.

A Time Out For Family

I didn't start this blog with the intention of using it as forum for my personal life and I still don't intend to. My goal will always be to provide a humorous take on something from the lighter side of the news. Today, however, I really feel the need to post on a couple of things much more close to home.

First of all, I want to wish my father, Richard Johnson, a Happy 59th Birthday. I love you Dad and will see you soon.

Second, on a tragic note, I want to acknowledge my Uncle Les and Aunt Judy. Les and Judy had to say goodbye yesterday to their son, Shannon. Shannon was only 38 years old and had been afflicted with a condition which had been slowly attacking him for as long as I can remember. I know my aunt and uncle along with their other son, Travis are dealing with the sadness of their loss. Since I couldn't be there, I had to take advantage of the opportunity to pass on my love and sympathy to them. We all have to take comfort in the fact that Shannon's suffering is finally over and he will never have to experience anything bad ever again. Goodbye, Shannon.

What the Favre?

As of yesterday, it's official. Brett Favre is not only back in the NFL, but he'll be playing for his long-time rivals the Minnesota Vikings. People in Minnesota are so happy that they are making out with strangers on the streets. People in Wisconsin are so mad they could punch a baby (not literally - don't send me any angry e-mails).  I don't agree with the cheeseheads who find this to be sacrilege, but I'm not happy about it. I've never been much of a Packers fan, but like a lot of people I was a Brett Favre fan. It was hard to not be. I mean come on, he was/is the gunslinger. The NFL's all time leader in touchdown passes, yards and of course, interceptions.  This is messed up. I think this is worse than when Michael Jordan came out of retirement to play for the Washington Wizards. To see Brett Favre come out of the visiting locker room at Lambeau Field in Vikings purple would be like seeing Kurt Cobain playing for Pearl Jam. At least we won't have to worry about the latter happening.